When would my package arrive? I knew that if I didn't get it soon, I'd probably be discovered lying naked on the floor of the dining room, surrounded by empty vodka bottles and vials of crack.

11:00 AM.

That's when the mail arrives.

I quickly jammed my shoes onto my feet, hands trembling with eagerness, and flat-out ran to the post office.

"IS IT IN?" I screamed.

"Yes," the woman said, looking frightened.

I took it home and unwrapped it, and then just opened the top of the box enough to peek in. Oh yes, yes. This was excellent. It was everything I had dreamed of.

Hours later, I patted my bulging stomach, the empty box sitting at my feet.

I sighed contentedly. "That was the best package of 8.5x11 paper I ever ate."